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Author Previous Topic: Wilholds Decorators Glue? Topic Next Topic: Thursday morning lounge
Page: of 43

anubis51
Fireman



Posted - 01/18/2017 :  2:34:27 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Mark, I agree!

Here's an oldie, but a goodie....






John



Time is the Gauge of Existence

Country: Australia | Posts: 1302 Go to Top of Page

mwbpequod
Fireman



Posted - 02/01/2017 :  3:15:17 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
My wife and I went to the county Ag Show and one the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went to the 1st pen the there was a sign that stated, "This Bull Mated 50 Times Last Year".

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled, and said, " He mated 50 times last year. That's almost once a week."

We walked on to the 2nd pen which had a sign that stated, "This Bull Mated 150 Times Last Year".

My wife gave me a hard jab in the ribs and said, "Wow! That's almost 3 times a week. You could learn a lot from him!"

We walked on to the 3rd pen which had a sign that stated, "This Bull Mated 365 Times Last Year".

My wife's elbow nearly broke my ribs and she said, "Wow! That's once a day! You could REALLY learn a lot from this one!"

I looked at her and replied, "Go over and ask him if it was the same cow."



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery...........


___________________________________________________________________
After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were.
After the second, you see things as they are not.
Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.

Country: USA | Posts: 1445 Go to Top of Page

mwbpequod
Fireman



Posted - 02/10/2017 :  09:52:38 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen.

I gasped as she pulled and squeezed expertly.







It was a best balloon giraffe I had even seen.


___________________________________________________________________
After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were.
After the second, you see things as they are not.
Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.

Country: USA | Posts: 1445 Go to Top of Page

quartergauger48
Fireman

Premium Member


Posted - 02/11/2017 :  7:59:38 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A sign in a window in a Indiana'..Business'.


Sign In Indiana Business Front Window

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON, NANCY PELOSI, HARRY REID, ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND ALL OF HOLLYWOOD THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!!!

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty; and after all.... it is just a sign.
You may ask, what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: Owen's Funeral Home

(Gotta love Midwest Humor!!!)













Ted

Country: USA | Posts: 4279 Go to Top of Page

mwbpequod
Fireman



Posted - 02/16/2017 :  09:41:35 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Murph woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

He immediately called his friend Roger and explained the situation

Roger said, "Don't worry, I can handle this for you and I'll be right over."

Roger arrived and had a ladder, a baseball bat, a large metal cage, a 12 gauge shotgun, and an absolutely furious looking pit bull in the back of his truck.

Murph asked, "What are you going to do?".

"I'm going to use the ladder to get up on the roof with the baseball bat, and then I'm going to knock the bear off the roof with the bat. When the bear falls and lands, the pit bull is trained to grab the bear's testicles and not let go. That'll let me put bear into the cage."

Then he handed the shotgun to Murph.

"What am I supposed to do with this?

Roger turned and from the ladder looking back at Murph and explained, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot that dog!"


___________________________________________________________________
After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were.
After the second, you see things as they are not.
Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.

Country: USA | Posts: 1445 Go to Top of Page

Norton
Engine Wiper

Posted - 02/16/2017 :  11:37:20 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred’ the biker replies.

‘Fred what?” the officer asks.

‘Just Fred’ the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him once more for for a last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but he lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ’It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was now my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


The V & T lives in my garage. Soon...

Norton

Country: USA | Posts: 135 Go to Top of Page

deemery
Fireman

Premium Member


Posted - 02/23/2017 :  09:43:39 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
No trains, but great logging scenes. Don't miss the shingle, stave and quarter-sawing in the mill scenes about 3/4 through, and the lumber schooner underway at the very end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIKCjQdxtO0

dave



Country: USA | Posts: 6205 Go to Top of Page

mabloodhound
Fireman



Posted - 02/23/2017 :  09:58:06 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by deemery

No trains, but great logging scenes. Don't miss the shingle, stave and quarter-sawing in the mill scenes about 3/4 through, and the lumber schooner underway at the very end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIKCjQdxtO0

dave



What surprised me is that they loaded those ships by hand, board by board.


Dave Mason
D&G RR (Dunstead & Granford) in On30
“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”~Benjamin Franklin
The 2nd Amendment, America’s 1st Homeland Security

Country: USA | Posts: 6538 Go to Top of Page

Norton
Engine Wiper

Posted - 03/16/2017 :  12:34:52 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.

In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.

The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.

Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely farm where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this farm for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.

Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.

Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.

In the morning the widow made them an enormous breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come collect their car.

When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.

Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.

About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.

"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"

"Yes, Ted. I remember that."

"And Bob, do you remember that very kindly widow that took us in for the night?"

"Well of course I remember her Ted."

"Well Bob, I have to ask you something."

"Ok Ted."

"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"

Yes Ted, I did."

"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"

"I did Ted."

"Did you and the widow make love Bob?"

"Yes, we did Ted"

"Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"

"I did Ted. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Ted...."

"Oh, that's OK Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."



The V & T lives in my garage. Soon...

Norton

Country: USA | Posts: 135 Go to Top of Page

mwbpequod
Fireman



Posted - 04/13/2017 :  10:23:03 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
George was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a few dollars to buy dinner.

George took out his wallet, pulled out a 10 and then asked, "If I give you this, are you just going to go off and buy booze?".

"No! I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?", asked George.

"Are you crazy? I haven't played golf in years!"

"Well, then I'm not giving you the money and instead you're coming home with me for a hot shower and a home cooked meal from my wife."

The homeless man was confused. "Won't she be upset with you?"

George replied, "That's not a problem. It's much more important for her to see what a man that gives up drinking and golf looks like and sink to first hand!"


___________________________________________________________________
After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were.
After the second, you see things as they are not.
Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.

Country: USA | Posts: 1445 Go to Top of Page

Norton
Engine Wiper

Posted - 04/13/2017 :  1:25:15 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred’ he replies.

‘Fred what?” the officer asks,

‘Just Fred’ the man responds.
The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for a last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but he lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ’It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS with VD. Well the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


The V & T lives in my garage. Soon...

Norton

Country: USA | Posts: 135 Go to Top of Page
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