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Humor to lighten the week

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  • Humor to lighten the week

    A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her

    son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son saying,

    "All of you sons of b*****es who want off, get the h***

    off now, cause this is the last stop!

    And all of you sons of b*****es who are getting on, get

    your a**es in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

    The horrified mother went in and told her son,

    "We don't use that kind of language in this house!!

    Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for

    TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,

    but I want you to use nice language.

    "Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed

    playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard

    her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please

    remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for

    riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

    We hope you will ride with us again soon. She hears the little boy

    continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of

    your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the

    train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

    As the mother began to smile, the child added,

    "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,

    please see the b***h in the kitchen.

    Modeling the NYC railroad

    (Not Yet Completed Railroad)


  • #2
    NYC, That's a good one. We ought to start a humor section but then again most of the posts here are humors anyway! (chuckle)

    Rusty Stumps


    • #3
      Good one, Phil. It made me laugh. Thanks.

      Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm a busy man. I have a railroad to run.


      • #4
        I almost heard the explosion in the kitchen at the end of that one! Love it!

        Building the first trans-Atlantic Railroad


        Building the first trans-Atlantic Railroad


        • #5
          LOL,Phil,I raise my cup of coffee to you! Still LOL NROTF! Thank you Phil!



          • #6

            A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

            One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

            Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid

            her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.

            If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until

            the child turned 18.

            She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.

            To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and,

            write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

            One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

            "Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

            "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife

            obeyed,and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

            On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with

            meatballs, one without."


            A purrvayer of possible actualities.
            Johnathan (Catt) Edwards

            100% Michigan made


            • #7
              It has been ten or fifteen years since I have told this story. However, it is well documented in the annals of Michigan logging.

              There once was a time...when Paul Bunyan need another lumber jack. Now as we all know lumberjacks are big burley men. Hundreds of men came to Mich. for a chance to lumber with PB. All of them except one were big burley men. The one was a small burley man, only about 5' 4" tall.

              Now it would be nice to say that he caught Paul's eye immediately. But, being that Paul seldom looked straight down, except to tie his boots, it did not happen that way. When our man (sorry but I cannot remember his name) realized that he wasn't being noticed and not being the shy type, he decided to do something that would catch PB's eye. Actually our man caught PB's knee...with an ax handle. It had the desired effect -- he was noticed. Paul limped over to a pair of stumps, sat on one while our man climbed atop the other. Looking Paul straight in the chin he began to tell why he was the best man for the job. In fact OM (our man) issued a challenge to prove that he was best. Paul thought it a good idea and assigned a group of three trees and a one-hour time limit to each of the hopefuls. All of them had their own ax of course.

              One hour later Paul rang the cook's triangle and the chopping stopped. Truth be told, some of the jacks could only fell one tree and they left the camp. A few more only managed one and one half trees. They left, also. About seventy-five percent of the men felled two trees each. And two or three felled all three trees. Now these trees were not the Hartwick Pines, but they were big.

              Something seemed amiss. Then Paul realized that he did not see OM and he hollered out his name. Well, after the pine needles and dust settled again OM could be seen standing on top of a felled tree about a half a mile away. He was not in his assigned area. Not only had he felled his three; he also cleared the next half a mile of forest. At that point the rest of the loggers left camp and went to Cal. where there was less competition.

              By this time OM had walked back to the stump where PB was still rubbing his knee. When asked where he had learned to cut timber, OM told PB in the Sahara Forest.

              Paul shook his head, smiled, and informed OM that The Sahara was, not a forest but a dessert. Then our man smiled and said "Now."

              id=size4> id=teal>

              P.S. Remember, be courteous to one another.

              P.P.S. Don't let the terrorist win.



              • #8
                Whaddya mean "went to Cal"? I resemble that remark! Don't see no Giant Sequoias in Michigan!!!Grrrrr.......


                • #9

                  Whaddya mean "went to Cal"? I resemble that remark! Don't see no Giant Sequoias in Michigan!!!Grrrrr.......


                  that's the point Bucks they cut them all down
                  Modeling the NYC railroad

                  (Not Yet Completed Railroad)



                  • #10
                    A man and his wife lived in a big house on a lake. his wife was planning on having a dinner party that night. about a half hour before the dinner party was to start, she realized that she had forgotten the snails for the escargo appetizers.

                    she told her husband to hurry up and go down to the lake and collect some snails.

                    while he was collecting the snails, he saw a beautiful woman coming down the beach. he thought to himself, it shure would be nice if a woman like that would talk to him.

                    next thing he knew, he looked up, and the woman was standing right beside him.

                    they got to talking and he ended up going to her place and spending the night.

                    the next morning, the man woke up and realized "oh my god, my wifes dinner party!" he threw on his clothes, grabbed his bucket of snails, and ran down the beach to his house.

                    as he was climbing up the stairs, he tripped and dropped the bucket of snails, they fell all down the stairs.

                    just then, his wife opened the door, looking extremely angry. he looked at her, then at the snails, and said " come on guys, we are almost there"

                    Union Pacific

                    "We Will Devour"


                    • #11
                      Picture it:

                      Rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the DEVIL decides to pay a visit. The door bursts open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in, with the Devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming...all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

                      Satan is a little perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, and you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me.

                      But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?

                      The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"



                      • #12
                        There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school, working nights as a taxidermist.

                        Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners...while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

                        He opened his own office with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy--Either way, you get your dog back!"



                        • #13
                          With all the world crisis lately, I reckon no one heard about the border dispute between Norway and Sweden. It started getting intense, so rather than mobilize the troops, the two heads of state got together to discuss how the crisis might be resolved peacefully. After much discussion, the Norwegian PM adamantly suggested a fishing contest, figuring that would give his country a bit of an upper hand. Well, the Swedish PM reluctantly agreed, but with the caveat that it be an ice fishing contest between the two country's best fishermen. The contest would last three days, sunup to sunset, total catch wins the dispute.

                          The deal was done, and on the appointed day, each country sent their best fisherman to the agreed upon lake at sunup. The two fishermen eyed each other suspiciously then went separate ways for the day. At sunset, the Swede came back with ten really nice fish, while the Norwegian got 'skunked.' The Norwegian PM figured everyone has a bad day and things would equal out for the next two days.

                          At the conclusion of the second day, the Swede came in with 15 really nice fish, and the Norwegian found himself skunked again.

                          At this point the Norwegian PM got really upset, convinced that the Swedes were cheating. He went to the head of his country's intel service to enlist the sharpest agent they had to spy on the Swede and drag the whole country before a tribunal for their 'cheatin' ways.

                          So, the spy was dispatched to watch the Swede on day three. Halfway through the day, the spy ran up to the Norwegian PM exclaiming that the Swedes were indeed cheating. The PM knew he had 'em now and inquired as to the method of cheating. 'Well,' the spy replied, 'That there Swedish boy done went and cut a hole in the ice.'

                          Don in Oregon City• CEO: WISHRAM, OREGON & WESTERNid=blue>


                          • #14

                            Whaddya mean "went to Cal"? I resemble that remark! Don't see no Giant Sequoias in Michigan!!!Grrrrr.......

                            Gee, as I remember it, it was "and we hated Escanaba and that red iron ore" not "at the Y M C A...."

                            Paul in MI

                            Member of Possum Lodge on snapping turtles: "they can sit there for hours, just moving slow if moving at all, but can strike at ANY time!"

                            Red Green: "Sounds like auto workers!"
                            Paul in MI

                            "I am ferret of Borg...your socks WILL be assimilated! Resistance is futile!"


                            • #15

                              Whaddya mean "went to Cal"? I resemble that remark! Don't see no Giant Sequoias in Michigan!!!Grrrrr.......

                              NOW! id='Comic Sans MS'> id=size6> id=red>
                              P.S. Remember, be courteous to one another.

                              P.P.S. Don't let the terrorist win.