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A little Colonoscopy humor

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  • A little Colonoscopy humor

    I have seen this going around the internet and not sure who to credit with writing this.

    Colonoscopy Too funny to selfishly keep


    Colonoscopy Journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


    On the subject of Colonoscopies...

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


    1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all:

    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
    ~Jeff

  • #2
    Hi Jeff,funny story! Having turned 50 this year I am certain that a colonoscopy is just around the corner waiting for me. :erm:

    So after reading your story,I've stopped walking towards that corner and I am now running away in the opposite direction.

    Greg Shinnie

    Comment


    • #3
      Greg,

      I am 49, and its closing in fast!
      ~Jeff

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      • #4
        And to think that my doctor wants me to have on in the next couple of months. [:-bigmouth]

        Mark
        W,L,&E

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        • #5
          This is an awesome story and had me laughing! Excellent!!! And true.
          Mark

          Comment


          • #6
            I just got a card from a doc in that line of work. The floral drawing on the front was accompanied by the words......"it's time....." and nothing else. Sure had an effect with certain muscles tightening.
            Karl Scribner-Curmudgeon

            Cedar Swamp
            SW of Manistique, MI

            Avatar image by Savannah Lyn Burgess 7-15-2022

            Comment


            • #7
              Since I have gone through this twice(!), I can relate to the humor.

              For those who are going to go through this, there is an alternative to MoviPrep (very aptly named product, by the way) that tastes a touch better. However, due to hysteric amnesia, I can't remember it's name. I wanted to add some orange juice to my stuff, but it wasn't allowed, even though orange juice has the same effect on my as the prescribed prep.

              And oh by the way, while undergoing the "invasion", they pump air into your system and when you are recovering, you, and the others who had the same procedure, will be be trumpting together.
              Bob Dye

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              • #8
                I had the procedure a couple of years ago with the same results. I tried weighing myself to see how many pounds I lost - None, zero, nada, how disappointing. :erm:
                Chuck Faist

                Burlington, Ontario

                Enjoy yourself it is later than you think!

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                • #9
                  I was out and didn't feel a thing which is also scary. I did have a lot of 'gas' from being inflated like a balloon.
                  Bill Shanaman

                  New Haven RR

                  Hartford Division

                  in Colorado.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thanks for the pep talk about colonoscopies Jeff. I have one scheduled next month. I can hardly wait.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Hi guys,

                      HA HA...Love the yarn!

                      I had a Colonoscopy about 10 years back, and as with most things, the trepidation is much worse than the fact.

                      We don't have "MoviPrep" down here (no pun intended) but I was given a couple of litres of some mellow-tasting stuff called "Fleet", which had the same purging effect.

                      (Now I know why they say that the "Fleet is All In" ...or, in this case...OUT!)

                      Anyway, cut a long story short, all was well and normal following my Colonoscopy, which was mercifully performed whilst I was unconscious.[:-sleep]

                      The only problem was that they wouldn't let me ride my motorcycle home, so I had to have a friend come and collect me.

                      Oh well....


                      John



                      Time is the Gauge of Existence

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                      • #12
                        The Prep is the most challenging part; being paranoid and uncertain of how fast the stuff was going to hit, I never ventured more than five linear feet away from a facility. Brings new meaning to the age old phrase: "You're so full of s**t".

                        Funniest part was the aftermath, when the very nice nurse came into the recovery area and told me I can't leave until I passed gas.

                        Silly nurse! LOL

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                        • #13
                          I have had this procedure done numerous times. I really enjoyed this thread. Especially the part about the prep (which is the worst part of the process) and the last comment about telling the wife that my head was not up there. This made my day.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I've had the procedure done several times. I even had an emergency partial one without anesthesia. One day I was eating dinner and it felt like I had to go to the bathroom; I left the table; but didn't make it to the bathroom. I doubled up on the bed and told Joan that I had to go to the hospital; she thought I was joking, but a half hour later I was in the emergency room. I stayed in the hospital for 26 days. The found out I had a perforated intestine and I was pooping in myself. They removed about 8 inches of my main intestine. I had to wear an ostomy bag for 6 months. Luckily they were able to put my intestines back together and everything is coming out fine now.

                            Don't put off a Colonoscopy. I was more embarrassed by being butt naked than I was about the Colonoscopy itself. The prep is by far the worst part
                            John

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                            • #15
                              All I can say is LMAO!!!!

                              The name of the prep solution that I used was called "Go Lightly." Talk about misrepresentation.

                              I once was given pills which actually was a lot better than drinking the goop. But those pills can cause kidney damage and are no longer used.

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